A star map in your skin
by SlytherinElektra
Summary: Kylo Ren is with the rebels. After a shower, Finn, Rey and Poe are curious about his scars. Some of the questions are answered, others aren't.


Kylo Ren has been with them for almost two years now, and although it took a long time, many daring rescues, a few near-death experiences and much much blood sweat and tears on his part, people seemed to be finally accepting him back. Accepting that he was a part of the team, and an asset.

Slowfully and painfully, he'd let his dark ways behind, and slowly and painfully he'd come closer to the new heroes of the light side.

Dameron had been the most accepting one, despite what Kylo had done to him when he was captured in Jakku. Maybe it was because the pilot could see his strategical value - whatever his flaws, this man was a powerful wielder of the force, and could be very helpful defeating the first order once and for all. Maybe it was because after Finn he'd become a great fan of defectors. Maybe he was more accepting because he was the only one of the three who hadn't seen him kill his own father on Starkiller. It was unclear. Maybe Dameron was just that kind of person: 80% kindness and smiles.

Finn hadn't been so easy on him, as he'd seen the full extent of his dark ways. He knew about the brainwashing, about the force-choking, all the people he'd ordered to be killed... Finn remembered how scared he'd been of him, and the tales of his power were etched on his mind, as was the murder of Han Solo. So Kylo (it was still too painful to go back to being Ben - even if let his mother call him that) had to save Finn's life and show his loyalty to them for quite a long time before even been spoken to. He'd done too many horrible things with the First order for anything else.

But Kylo Ren also saw Finn not shooting on the village on Jakku and didn't say anything - and it was thanks to that he'd been able to escape with Poe shortly after. Finn knew the First order from personal experience and knew that leaving was one of the most difficult and scary things ever. They conditioned you to know that any offense, any small betrayal would be severely punished, leaving was simply not an option. And being that high up in the ranks, the pressure was probably worse. So it took a lot to change like that, and Finn learnt to appreciate the effort it took. And he appreciated what he'd done for them since.

Rey had took some effort, too. She didn't forget being held against her will, having someone in her thoughts, didn't forget any of the horrors she'd seen him do. Didn't forget how he almost killed Finn on that battle in the snow - some things were impossible to forgive. She hadn't wanted to work with him at first: he was a traitor and he'd deprived her and Chewie and General Organa of Han Solo and he had no right to walk back in there. So he had saved them a couple of times since he'd come to their side. So he'd given some useful information. It wasn't enough, it couldn't ever be enough. He had betrayed his whole family, when they did nothing but support him, despite his moody character. He didn't deserve them.

She didn't thought she would ever change her mind - until she had a short but intense encounter with their supreme leader, Snoke. In the few minutes they spoke, the man made her question everything, almost made her feel tempted to join him. She imagined what would be like to have a looming presence like that controlling everything you did and imagined a young Ben Solo being eaten, devoured by that presence and its promises. And after that she decided to at least, be less mean to the man.

It was a precarious balance, but the four of them made a good team. They had skills, experience, intimate knowledge of the enemy and the force on their side. They were good.

That particular day, they were changing after a shower when Finn noticed the many scars on his new partner's back, who was still shirtless and dripping wet. There were marks in all shapes and sizes, some bigger, some smaller, some more recent some older, creating a weird series of pictures on the white skin of their team mate.

"What are you looking at?" Poe asked, seeing his buddy so transfixed. Usually it was him who Finn looked at, and that was the way he liked it.

"Look at all those scars - it's like a star map of some sort."

Burns, lines, red little circles... yes, Finn was right. It was quite unusual - Poe decided to address the man about it, maybe they would learn something.

"You do have a surprising amount of scars. I would think that a master of the force like you wouldn't be so easy to hurt."

Before Kylo could say anything, Rey joined the conversation, looking proudly at the scars she'd caused.

"That, that, that and the beautiful face one are mine. I'm not even sorry, you deserved all of them. And that one on the neck is from our last rescue mission - But I do wonder how you got all of those, too. You were supposed to be more untouchable than that, right?"

"I changed sides twice." Kylo said, a bit uncomfortable with the topic. "You don't come out of that unscathed."

Then Finn's eyes widened and he signaled at some half moon pink marks on his lower back.

"A guy in my unit had some of those! It was punishment for something... Disloyalty? I don't remember, something like that - and he had those little crosses too. Man, I didn't think those punishments could be used in someone so high up."

Kylo didn't answer. Didn't want to admit that he chose those punishments for himself - for not being loyal enough, for not being strong enough.

Finn hadn't even considered that a possibility. When he was a stormtrooper things were more black and white than that. Why would a leader be disloyal? It didn't make sense. But if he was honest, there was lot of that tall and complicated man that didn't make sense. You simply couldn't see it under that metal mask, he had seemed so whole, a column.

Poe was the next one to speak, while Kylo was still silent.

"And what about your arms, huh? Had an accident holding your lightsaber?"

Kylo threw an enigmatic look at the pilot.

"Not exactly an accident."

Finn and Poe looked at each other, not understanding. They knew Kylo better now, but even if in some aspects he was an open book, in others he remained a complete mystery.

Rey was the first one that got it.

"So you did that on purpose, you did it to yourself. Why?"

It wasn't a subject he enjoyed, but he knew that he had to be open with these people if he wanted them to trust him.

"Pain cleared my head. Pushed me aside from unwelcome thoughts."

"Light-sided thoughts?" Rey said, looking at the messy lines in his arms and stomach, and already guessing the answer.

"Maybe."

"You had to hurt yourself to stay dark. You didn't think there was a problem with that?" Poe interjected.

"There were many problems with many things. But light was weakness and couldn't be tolerated. When don't all have the luxury of a spotless record of right choices like you, Dameron."

"It must have been hell inside your head." Poe added, and immediately regretted his lack of tact. Surely he could have phrased that in a nicer way.

Kylo just half smiled.

"It still is, some days."

Finn was still looking at the scars, trying to identify the marks and thinking about how much it must have hurt, receiving each one. And to think that he made some of those himself - truly messed up.

"Do they still hurt?"

"My shoulder does sometimes, thanks to her." He said and Rey nodded. "But she's right - I deserved it. I deserved each one of these in one way or other. And they are a reminder of all my poor decisions, a reminder of all I've lived. A lesson learned in a way or other."

"That's a lot of bad choices." Finn added, still staring.

"Believe me - I know. I'm painfully aware of that."

There was a silence, some more staring and many reflections.

And then Rey spoke.

"I think there's something we can all agree on."

"That bad choices are bad?" Finn asked.

"That shirtlessness is always an interesting choice?" Said Poe.

"Sure. But also that I am a master at leaving cool scars!"

A/N: Hope you liked! You know you want to review!


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